Earth's Mightiest Anti-heroes
by Sai Kunai Blade
Summary: The Avengers must be on Vacation or something, because now the fate of the world lies in the hands of a group of anti-heroes who don't necessarily have a problem with a few dozen people dying. They'll save as many as they can, but they won't lose any sleep if a few people die. How will this turn out?
1. Prologue

Vergil was walking through an ally when he was attacked by a bunch of strange creatures. They weren't demons, but they DEFINITELY could NOT pass off as humans. He quickly dispatched them and was about to walk off, but then he heard a voice behind him.

"Impressive work, demon." The voice said.

Vergil unsheathed Yamato and turned around to see a black man with an eye patch, dressed in all black leather. He was unfazed by the fact that there was a deadly, demonic blade a few centimeters away from his nose.

"There is a crisis happening. Those things you just killed? Aliens of a completely different dimension. We are at war. And we need soldiers to fight in that war. So we need you." He said.

"Fine then. It could be fun. But who are you?" Vergil asked the man.

"My name is Nick Fury. Come on, I have a basic team I'd like to introduce you to. They'll be your teammates." He said.

The two got on a jet, going to a giant air carrier and Fury led Vergil to something of a conference room, where 4 people, well, to be more exact, 3 people and some form of mutant hedgehog, were beating the living shit out of a guy in a red ninja suit.

"I have a bad feeling about this team..." Vergil said.

"That's enough! I'm sick of your motherfucking fighting on this motherfucking carrier!" Fury shouted.

"Ha! Snakes on a plane reference! Clever, writer." Deadpool said, until a vent fell off the roof and hit him.

"Introductions are in order. This is the last member of your team. Vergil Sparda." Nick Fury said.

"What, this old, decrepit man is going to help us? What's he gonna do, whack the bad guy's hands with that cane of his?" Vegeta said, arrogantly.

Vergil unsheathed the sword and fired a judgment cut, cutting into Vegeta's armor and chest, "I'm 30." He said

"Impressive. I'm Shadow the Hedgehog, the Ultimate Life Form. The arrogant bastard there is Vegeta "Prince of all Saiyans". The guy in the red outfit with the shades on is Alucard, The Vampire King. The guy with the interesting haircut is Jin Kazama and the dumbass ninja here is Deadpool, the Merc with the Mouth." The Hedgehog said.

"I have a feeling I won't get along well with him." Vergil said.

"Probably not. I don't get along well with people who are power-obsessed and get made into bitches by demon gods. Let's face it, halfway through DMC3, everything went downhill for you." Deadpool said, before getting turned into a giant blood stain on the wall by Vergil.

"Well then, here's what we know. There seem to be 5 generators that are opening portals allowing the aliens to get through. Take those out, we win." Fury said.

"Let's go!" Deadpool shouted, doing a badass pose with his guns.

"I killed you!" Vergil shouted.


	2. Deadpool's delight

The anti-heroes arrived at the place where they were informed the first generator was. Waiting for the opportunity to strike, they sat down at a coffee shop across from the facility and waited for the vehicles with matching logos of the company to depart. In the meantime, Vegeta was asleep with a newspaper covering his face, Alucard was writing yet ANOTHER death threat to the Pope and tied the letter to the leg of a carrier pigeon, sending it to the Vatican. Shadow was seemingly asleep, leaned up against a wall, most likely to avoid drawing much attention, Vergil was actually READING the newspaper and drinking a fine espresso and lastly, Deadpool was playing Pokemon on his 3DS, growling and mumbling as each of his Pokemon (Giratina, Heatran, Palkia, Dialga, Zekrom and Reshiram, all level 50) were defeated by a level 100 Pikachu.

"Pikachu. You little...yellow...BASTARD." He said, his hands shaking in rage. He then turned to Vergil so he could maybe have a conversation. "So, hey, didn't the Avengers have AT LEAST one chick on their team? Why is it just a bunch of guys on our team?" He asked.

"Because the writer either didn't know of or couldn't think of a female anti-hero, he's going to add one, though. He looked on the "official" villains wiki under Anti-heroes and looked through all 68 pages to try to find a good one, most of which were either guys, or he didn't know the people well enough to put them into the story, or they were from a company and/or series he already used..." Vergil said, then realized he just broke the fourth wall. "Dammit, Deadpool! Now you have me doing it!" He shouted, waking all the others up. They all looked over and realized that the vehicles were gone and the only people left were basic staff.

"This should be a cake walk." Vegeta said.

"Cake?! Give me some motherfucking cake!" Alucard demanded.

"It was a metaphor." Shadow told him.

"Yeah, the writer just wanted to reference Hellsing Abridged, except he changed the reference slighty." Deadpool said, earning him a bullet through his head from the Jackal.

They walked in to see an enormous generator directly in the center of the room with a beam of light shooting into the sky coming from the top.

"How the hell did we not notice that from outside?" All of them asked at the same time.

"It's been hidden well. This place on the inside is completely in Limbo." The worst imaginable person then emerged from a corner, so awful, even Deadpool's greatest tricks to be annoying were drawved in comparison to anything that came out of this guy's mouth... It was Donte.

"My name's Dante, you asshole!" DINO shouted at the writer.

"What the hell is DINO supposed to mean?!" He demanded.

"Well, either the writer is calling you Fred Flintstone's dog, or he's calling you Dante In Name Only. Probably both." Deadpool answered.

"Shut the fuck up, motherfucker! Fuck you!" He said, reaching for his guns, which Deadpool didn't even move out of the way of and the bullet's couldn't even penetrate his costume.

"Wow, that's pathetic. Maybe you should try these." Deadpool said, pulling out two shotguns, slowly walking towards DINO, unfazed by the bullets literally bouncing off of him as if they were rubber, but did EVEN LESS damage than a rubber bullet.

He got up close to DINO and put a shotgun to either side of his head. As a final resort, DINO kicked Deadpool directly between the legs like a little pussy bitch, but Deadpool was unfazed, just angered, then he pulled the trigger, then for the hell of it, fired a thousand more time until there was literally nothing left of his victim. When the smoke cleared, he looked for a body, but was unsuccessful in finding it.

"He's gone... Or was he never here to begin with?!" He said, the camera going gray and zooming in on him... "Now where is that from? Seriously, someone tell me in the reviews, the writer doesn't even know." He said. Deadpool suddenly saw 2 weapons on the ground that looked like Jade's blade-a-rangs from Mortal Kombat. He picked them up and started swinging them around. "These must've been his only GOOD weapons. They got magic powahs!" Deadpool said, swinging them dangerously.

Suddenly, they were attacked, by a swarm of creatures that looked like demons, but had the exact opposite aura.

"Hey, look! It's the angels from Bayonetta! Wait, that means!" Deapool said hopefully.

Suddenly, a chick burst through the roof in a sexy black outfit with a katana and blue lightning claws on her hands, dispatching the angels in a matter of minutes. "I heard what you boys were up to. I was thinking it'd be fun to join. Can I come along?" She asked.

"Sweet! Bayonetta's joined the team! We have a chick now! Dibs on dat ass!" Deadpool shouted.

"Dammit, Deadpool, will you ever shut the hell up?!" Vergil demanded, slicing off Deadpool's head.

"That's gonna leave a mark." Deadpool said, putting it back on.


	3. Vegeta's Victory

The anti-heroes then made their way to a baron wasteland, getting there very quickly now that they could all fly thanks to Vegeta teaching them how. "This reminds me of the place where I killed Nappa and that long haired weakling got killed by a Saibaman." The Saiyan prince said with a smile as the all walked into the factory. They looked around, but saw nothing. Then, Vegeta heard the worst noise he'd heard since Namek.

"Hey, it's Vegeta!" Nappa said, stepping into view, accompanied by Raditz.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?" He demanded.  
"Well, the guy behind this brought us back to life and we can do this…" Raditz explained, then he and Nappa went Super Saiyan 3.

"Okay, first: What?! Second: The fuck?!" Alucard asked.

"Now then. Vegeta, what does the scouter say about OUR power levels?!" Nappa said as the two of them flew into the air.

"I broke my scouter, remember. But Nappa, you're probably over 9,000, but not a threat. Raditz, you're STILL nowhere near as strong as Frieza's FIRST form!" He taunted.

"For pony!" Deadpool said, flying at the, only to get smashed in the face by Raditz. "Ow, he hit me!" He said, then was smashed in the face by Nappa and sent to the ground. "Ow, he hit me, too!" He said, slamming into the ground painfully.

"Did he just say 'For Pony?'" Shadow questioned.

"Okay that's enough! It's you and me guys. You were my bitches before and I'll make you my bitches again! I'm gonna kick you a-." Vegeta started, but then Vergil flew in and effortlessly kicked them into the generator, destroying it, but they were still in fighting condition. "Whoa, Vergil! What the hell?!" Vegeta shouted.

"If you spent half the time fighting as you do monologue-ing, you would've beaten them by now." Vergil said, landing.

"Like I said, this fight's mine! Now hit my music!" Vegeta said.

**Dynamite by Taio Cruz**

"Oh, go to hell, all of you! You can play actual FIGHT MUSIC!" He shouted.

**Kung-Fu Fighting by Cee Loo**

"I can work with that." Vegeta said, now somewhat pleased, then he sailed at the two Super Saiyans and round kicked Raditz in the side of the head, sending him flying into a support pillar of the warehouse. Then he quickly spun and kicked Nappa in the face with both feet, sending him flying. Vegeta then went Super Saiyan and flew after him, throwing a devastating combo at the still recovering Saiyan.

He smashed Nappa into another support pillar, threw a few more combos, then quickly pulled his hands back and powered up a golden energy. "Final Flash!" He shouted, shooting the planet-destroying attack, vaporizing his former subordinate a second time and then turning around to fire another attack at the weaker Saiyan. "Here's the attack that SHOULD'VE killed you!" He shouted, then shot a Kamehameha wave at the older brother of Goku, who just barely recovered.

He tried to fight it back like he did with Goku, but Vegeta was dozens of times stronger than Goku was at that point and even then, Raditz only BARELY fought it back. The blue wave of death obliterated the still pathetic saiyan.

"I can't believe someone as weak as Raditz actually made it to Super Saiyan." Vegeta said bitterly.

On Namek, watching from his new plasma TV, Super Kami Guru had this thought. "I do not know what this raditz is, but it sounds disappointing." He said.

"Wow, great job, Vegeta! You made Vergil look like a punk." Deadpool said, only to be stabbed through the head by Vergil. "Ooh, are you itching my brain?! A little to the left!" He said.


	4. Vergil's vivisection

Now, our somewhat lovable group of anti-heroes arrived in a cave with a hole in the top, which had another generator in it. They continued down the path until they saw 2 people standing in front of the generator, both evil beings from the Devil May Cry Universe: VINO (Vergil in Name only) and Abigail.

"Well, if I have to credit demons on one thing, it's that they are stubborn and tenacious." Vergil said, stepping forward.

"Well, well. It's the outdated fake." VINO said, also stepping forward.

"Shut up, you failed reboot reject." Vergil said, shooting a summoned sword through his imposter's head, killing him instantly, then using a wide variety of Judgment cuts to turn him into a giant smudge on the ground. He then turned his attention towards Abigail. "I see you've been restored as well. My brother killed you once by destroying your soul. If he could do it, I certainly should be able to as well." He said, getting ready to fight.

"Yeah, right. Stay out of the way, punk. This guy's mine." Vegeta said, getting ready to fight.

"You couldn't so much as scratch him. He has the same level of healing as Alucard. Nothing YOU could ever do would stop him." Vergil said.

"Well, if your brother could do it that probably means you CAN'T!" Vegeta smirked.

"I'll settle with you after I destroy him." Vergil said, rushing in.

**Background Music: Vergil's theme Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3, the fight from the blood chamber in DMC3: Dante's awakening.**

Vergil slashed through a few spikes coming out of the ground and ducked under Abigail's arm as he swung for a deadly strike with more spikes coming from his arms. He ran right past Abigail, Yamato way out to the left, ripping through Abigail's side and ribs, before he turned around, leapt forward, setting one foot on Abigail's tail, then launching himself, coming down on Abigail, sword aimed straight down, similar to Sephiroth's Hell's Gate attack, impaling Abigail through the head. The creature reared its head back and screamed in agony just after Vergil used his air launch, landing on the ground in front of Abigail in a crouching position, his back turned to the monster. Abigail recovered and thrusted his hand towards Vergil again to crush him, but at this moment everyone realized that in his left hand which was on the ground, supporting himself, Yamato was unsheathed a few inches.

He smirked, then turned his head just enough to see over his shoulder. "It's over." He said, using his thumb to click Yamato back into its sheath, unleashing thousands of judgment cuts, destroying Abigail's arms, wings and head. "Now then!" He said, rushing forward and slamming Yamato into the demon's chest, then going into Devil Trigger, completely destroying the monster's soul, the rest of the body fading into nothingness. "As Dante and I used to say: Jackpot." He smirked, reverting back to his human form.

"Um….. I thought you guys say the line BEFORE you kill the big bad guy. You did that to Arkham, Dante did that to Mundus, Sid and I'm pretty sure he did it at the end of Devil May Cry 4 after he kicked the doors off his OWN office and randomly shot at nothing. He didn't do it in DMC2, though, but that's probably because he turned into a complete tool." Deadpool criticized, only to have him head splattered by another judgment cut.


	5. Alucard's assault

The ant-heroes then arrived in Brazil, the base they were looking for had a giant statue of Jesus with his arms spread way out on it.

"Jesus wants a hug! I totally told Integra Anderson would be here!" Alucard said, posting it on his Twitter account: The Crimson Fucker. "You guys go ahead, I've got some things to do." Alucard said evilly, getting up to the statue.

"Fine. We don't need you." Vergil said slightly arrogantly, pushing open the doors only for his chest to be filled with blessed bayonets. Vergil was stunned, even being brought to one knee, but he had faced weapons both holy and demonic before, so while painful and effective against him (keep in mind, Vergil completely turned to the demon side somewhere along the lines, so holy weapons would probably hurt him more than Dante) it was nowhere near enough to kill him.

"Ah, look what we have here. A group of bloody heathens and even a devil. In that case, you know what time it is!" Alexander Anderson, pulling out 2 more bayonets and the word "RAPE" appeared below him.

"The game! It's my turn!" Rip Van Winkle said, popping out of nowhere, shooting Deadpool in the head, blasting it off. "You lose!" She giggled.

Suddenly, Alucard broke in through the back door with the song "I'm a bitch, I'm a lover" playing, due to him hitting random on his phone and punched her in the face after she noticed him and wouldn't stop screaming. "Bitch, shut up and make me a sandwich!" He yelled punching her in the face, then turned off the music. He then pinned her against the wall and started driving her musket into her chest, the final words she would hear was Alucard's sensation, sweeping the nations. "Bitches love cannons!" He said, driving it completely through her, then absorbed her. Just as Anderson was about to attack him, Alucard stopped, putting his hands up as if in surrender. "Hey, wait, you should really check out what I did to the statue of big J~" Alucard said almost teasingly.

Anderson's eyes widened and he quickly rushed out passed all of the others, knocking down Vergil and Deadpool in the process, the latter just having put his head back on and Vergil just having pulled out the last of the bayonets. From outside, Anderson's scream of absolute rage as he saw the banner Alucard had put from arm to arm of the statue, which read: "420YOLOSWAG4JESUS".

Alucard, meanwhile, was talking on the phone, trying to get Integra to say he was right, which after great effort she did, although she was beyond furious about it. Alucard looked as if he just had a non-sexual orgasm. Anderson then rushed in and ran straight at Alucard. "Okay, dude, I just finished. I'mma need 5 minutes to reach off-" he tried to argue before Anderson's fist slammed into his face, spewing blood from his mouth. "Nevermind, we're back in business!" He said, whipping out the Jackal and blowing off Anderson's left arm. He then slammed his fist into Anderson's chest and grabbed his heart. "Tell me something, what did you want with these assholes anyway?" Alucard said.

"To do what I've been doing much faster than I ever could on my own: destroy all the bloody heathens who won't except the lord in this world." Anderson said, before losing consciousness.

"You know what? This isn't fun, I'll let you live, see how the rest of Hellsing abridged plays out. Gotta wait a damn year for the next one." Alucard said, dropping the Paladin, who would still probably survive, as Alucard did not rip out his heart. Then it dawned on him that soon there would be an all out war with more slaughter since what he had done in world war 2. At first he started chuckling, then laughing a little, then a full out roar of maniacal laughter. "I'd better not miss a damn thing." He said.

"Damn, whatever's going on in his head must be more messed up than mine." Deadpool said.

"Let's find out!" Alucard said, lunging at the merc with the mouth and sinking his teeth into his neck, drinking his blood, seeing the weirdest images he'd ever seen in his life. "Da fuq is this?! Da fuq is THAT?! Da fuq are THOSE?!" He questioned, unable to understand the visions.

"Whoa, that was as weird for me as it was for you pal." Deadpool said, getting stabbed through the chest by Vergil, in keeping with the running gag.


End file.
